Day 2. My first reaction

Day 2.  My first reaction

 

After I had taken an ultrasound of my breasts a cyst was discovered and the doctor recommended a mammogram. I did not want to have a mammogram done on my breast, as there are many indications that if one already has cancer mammography can cause even more damage.

Because of my family history with cancer, I wanted to do more testing and I got the suggestion to do a urine test at the Navarro Clinic. The first time I sent the sample, the investigation failed, the second time it succeeded. All together, it took about 2 months.

The morning I got the email, I read the outcome: it was certain that I had cancer and that more testing was recommended such as X-ray / ultrasound / MRI. Most of my family members were at home at that time when the email arrived, and I didn’t say anything to them. I could not share the news and I waited until some of them had left the house. Later that day I told my husband the outcome and I told him to not tell another family member who would go on vacation soon.

In this blog post I’ll be doing  self-forgiveness on my first reaction when reading the email stating that the test was positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the news of the positive test as soon as I got it and not allowing myself to be sad about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid showing any sadness / crying in front of my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to show my fear and sadness to my family because I don’t want to present myself as less than them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a polarisation of being less and more than my children, because of my mother’s preprogramming design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to be strong because I am their mother so it is better to suppress and not to show my emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to tell nobody that my test is positive which means that I have cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to tell some family members my bad news, because they will soon go on a holiday. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to believe that I can ruin another’s holiday by sharing bad news about my health with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with excuses to not tell the bad news to my children, such as they’re going on holiday, and I simply am too afraid to tell them the bad news. And within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself inferior to another’s holiday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to tell my children that I have cancer, by thinking  that my own reaction is already overwhelming enough and I will not be able to cope with their reactions as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for not sharing with my children that I have cancer,  because I don’t want them to become sad and worried about me. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to accept that the mother-child rolls are turned around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so overwhelmed about the news that I have cancer that I suppress my thoughts  and emotions so it seems that they never existed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sorrow up until the moment where I need to tell them the bad news, while not being able to tell it to them without crying and being overwhelmed with grief when sharing my bad news,

And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to not take my self-responsibility and let the situation be my guiding principle what determines when I will share and  tell them about the cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to falteringly and seized from grief tell them the bad news, because I feel fear and reluctance to share the news with them,

waarin ik al een beeld voor ogen dat ik er niet meer ben en mijn familie alleen achter laat en ik niet weet of ze wel zonder mij kunnen. In which I already imagine how I will no longer be here and leave my family behind not knowing if they will cope without me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my children cannot live without me, seeing myself as the hub of the family, being their mainstay and thus I must be there for them always. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realise that I did cope myself after my mother passed away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my situation with my mother’s death when my sister was still young having to move on without her mother, in which I think that her life should have turned out better when my mother would have still be alive, which is a figment die to me finding excuses to believe that it will be a sad situation for my children when they no longer have their mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell my children falteringly and seized from grief the news instead of directly applying self forgiveness in which I create the opportunity to tell them the news with a stable voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for accepting and acknowledging these emotions instead of directly apply self-forgiveness and be stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see / understand / realize that I want to share with my children / partner only the good news in order to get a positive response.

waarin ik mijzelf vergeef toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben bang te zijn medelijden en verdriet te ontketenen en ik mezelf nog zwakker /zieker zal ervaren.

And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of instigating self-pity and sadness and to experience myself even more weak/ill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to face my children when they become sad the moment I tell them the bad news about my health, and I did not see/understand/realise that sharing this information with them about my cancer is certainly going to have a big impact on them, and at the same time it’s a form of intimacy that will unite us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid that my children will burst out in tears when I tell them the news, which I then label as a negative response to my news, due to how I reacted when my mother told me she was diagnosed with cancer. And within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my mother’s situation with my own, knowing that at that time my mother was terminal and whereas I seem to be in early stage cancer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak and because I can no longer be the positive partner / mother / grandmother.

And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realise that in a moments of weakness, when hearing bad news, I can pick myself up again by using the tools of Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that my world as I pictured my future is collapsing and I perceive great friction now because everything is suddenly changing.,

And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and experience every change like a friction, wherein I do not want to leave my comfort zone, and not realize that I can instead stand up within myself and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and see my world from a pink cloud and always wanting to be in a positive mood. In which I suppress my negativity and subsequently express my negativity in backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to polarize my world by preferring to wrap myself with positivity which I express through backchats as the opposite pole, wherein I then suppress my backchats by no longer thinking about them, instead of seeing/understanding/realising that within this polarized approach the positivity never will be without the negativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a memory of my mother on my own situation where she told us that she was diagnosed with cancer, which made us as her children very sad and anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will  scare the other off the same way as I experienced myself when my mother told me she had cancer, and I will therefore I will not be seen as positive and strong, but I will be remembered and associated with fear.

waarbij ik mezelf vergeef toegestaan en aanvaard te hebben het worst case scenario naar boven te halen van verlamd zijn in angst voor de dood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my sadness and to suppress it as a coping mechanism, as I have often done in my life to escape reality.

waarin ik mijzelf vergiftig door allerlei gedachten, gevoelens en emoties in mijn lichaam op te slaan totdat zich dat uit in een of andere emotionele uitspatting of ziekte.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to suppress my sadness and to pretend it doesn’t exist instead of applying self-forgiveness in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself and my family by not wanting to tell them why I am sa, because that way it would seem like it doesn’t exist.

When and as I see myself in a situation where I have to bring bad news to my children / husband, I stop and breathe. I realize that I as well would like to know how my children / husband are doing and thus I have to accept that sharing bad news is a part of reality. I realize that I am able at any time to apply self forgiveness before I share something with others, that I care for, when it is less easy. And so, I commit myself to treat others as I want to be treated, and will share honestly what’s going on with me.

When and as I see myself having a tendency to hide my sadness / fear for myself and others, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is a habit that I’ve used for many years now and by walking this process I will investigate myself and correct myself. And so  I commit myself to stop hiding / suppressing my emotions and I will from now on apply self-forgiveness and self-correction in such instances.

When and as I see myself being shocked by an event, I stop and breathe. I realize that I tend to use coping mechanisms instead of opening up the point or make a note to write about in a later stage, before I suppress my emotions. And so, I commit myself to write out my emotions/thoughts when an emotion or negative thought comes up, instead of hiding them.

When and as I see myself having a tendency to hide my sadness/fear for myself and others, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am another person and every comparison is pointless. I realise that projection is an automatism which I can stop in a moment. And so, I commit myself to stop the projection and comparison in the moment when it presents itself, by stabilising myself with my breath and to realise that every comparison is a search for friction and feeding the mind.

Prev Day 1. Positive testing
Next Day 3. It's quite expensive to play doctor

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Marjo

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