From now on I will be writing on this blog about my process of self-forgiveness and self-correction in relation to cancer.
I have been engaged for some time now in the Desteni I Process, and due to my recent diagnosis with cancer, I decided to start this blog where I will only be writing about cancer related topics.
A few months ago I went to see a doctor because of a slight pain in my left breast. The doctor recommended a mammogram, though because of all the information I had been reading about mammograms and the negative side-effects of it (it was said that it will increase the breast cancer), so I decided to only have an ultrasound done. The ultrasound didn’t show any abnormalities in my left breast, they did find however a cyst in my right breast. The radiologist recommended a mammogram, which I didn’t follow through and therefore refused.
Another Destonian recommended a clinic where they can detect any form of cancer from an urine sample HCG (Human Chorionic Gonatropin), they can diagnose you even before any symptoms have manifested.
Since my parents and brother died at a very young age of cancer, respectively 51, 59 and 59 years old, it seemed sensible to me to take this test when I was 61.
After a failed attempt, I got the results on August 7, 2015 by email. I opened the email and read that the outcome of the test was positive. I was speechless, I wanted to cry, but I did not, I wasn’t able to cope with it and really understand what my future would bring. Later that day I told my husband and kids about the results of the test and only then I started crying.
Right away I decided to change my diet. Since long I am convinced that food is an important factor in overcoming cancer. I started to read the dr. Kelley’s protocol and started his diet, which consists mainly of organic raw vegetables, fruits and some nuts. Meanwhile, I ordered as well quite some supplements and vitamins that are prescribed in the Protocol.
To this day I still do not know where the cancer is within my body, what type of cancer it is, I only have a positive urine test. This week I have an appointment in a private clinic where they will be doing further testing to see where the cancer is situated. I am Dutch, and for some time now I live in Croatia where the waiting list for hospitals are very long. I’m still determined to not have any X-rays or at least not to rush myself into any decisions that I will regret of later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-pity and thoughts like: why me?, why do I have to go through this?, why can I not be healthy and live a normal life?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question my life in a way where I do not see my life as normal/average, but a life full of struggle, while I define a normal life as living according to the established norm rather than wondering why I do not live a life that is supportive of my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I had to support my body and how to support my body, because I have never really listened to my body and instead I took knowledge and information from books and articles, without actually testing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-pity as a result of suppressing my grief until an explosion follows with tears which is then a relief to me, because I copied this pattern of suppression from my mother who never showed her negative emotions to us until all became too much, this pattern of mine has been accumulated over the years while participating at the school of practical philosophy in which I learned to ignore/suppress my negative thoughts and to exchange them with positive feelings, where I participated in a polarity of positive/negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about my former eating habits not realizing what would be supportive for my body and simply eating what I liked which would give myself a positive feeling in order to suppress the negative emotions that were there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in uncertainty and fear of not knowing where the cancer has developed within my body, and keep on asking myself: where is it, is it in my breasts, is it in my belly?, and so participate within a polarity of being fearful and going on with my live through suppression assuming that it isn’t that bad and thinking that when it is still invisible for regular healthcare, it is apparently still in a very early stage and not that worse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within polarity and doubt where I on one hand think that it’s simply a positive urine test and not a big deal, and there’s actually nothing to worry about, and on the other hand I have conflicting thoughts where I think that now it’s certain that I have cancer. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within polarity of being sure and uncertainty at the same time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate knowing the urine test was positive and fearing the unknown since I have no idea what I can expect, realizing that I never will know what awaits me, and instead it is best to live aware within the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate because of the positive urine test, in which I see this as the worst news I’ve ever received, thinking how will I survive this all?, and what’s out there waiting for me?, And within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I’m standing on quicksand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to paralyse myself by despair, because I accept and allow despair as genuine and as myself. And within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/understand/realize that I am much stronger inside myself and I do not pin my hopes on fear but instead on my strength.
When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear, despair, uncertainty or other negative emotions because of the positive urine test, I stop and breathe. I realise I did not investigate all the options and I know these emotions affect my body which is the worst I can do to myself.
And so, I commit myself to stop these emotions through breathing and self-forgiveness to give myself self-direction and the strength in knowing there are a lot of solutions for cancer to discover within this reality.