Continuing from the previous blog Abandoned
After sitting with myself and the cats, speaking self-forgiveness on what is coming up within me while focussing on the area of my physical body around pelvic and lower belly area:
Ovaria’s; at the high of
Not feeling worthy as a woman without having children
Not on a consiousness level but deep stored within me and even not knowing where it comes from, other then through generational lines and/or passed lives, from which I understand that what I live in this life is enough to take on, as in this life I live the same sort of patterns as probably in many lifes before and only by now I have the tools to step forward, to stand up in it for and as myself, with the application of self-forgiveness, self-correction and living words as the beginning of self-expression in this process.
An experience of ‘failure’ on a belief that I first took on as something that I needed to reach as how it is also placed in the world, as if the only way of living or passing life, is through giving birth through children instead, of birthing ourself as life from the physical in actively deciding within awareness who we are in thought, word and deed and living this decision as well. So ‘the world’ is mostly showing as if ‘building a family’ or giving birth to a child, is the only way to ‘birth life’ and through trying to attempt this, I am missing myself as a real living being mostly and ‘missing the point’ completely in this state of survival.
Not having given myself the chance to really ‘choose’ or decide in this because of already taken on this belief and so follwing up on this, while at the same time noticing several hesitations in it, however still following up on this ‘automatic/programmed belief’. And within this, causing myself a lot of sadness and grief.
I stillcould feel this deep stored within me with still emotions attached (after a whole serie written about this that starts here). Feeling abandoned in this, feeling like ‘no man would stay with me if I am not carrying/have carried their child’. Abandoning myself within a self-created belief of failure.
Also, deep sadness for all the ‘homeless’ in this world including animals and the suffering from this. Homeless, also like abandoned.
Sitting with Snoo the cat from who I picked up (and confirmed without me sharing this, via someone who is picking up some signals from animals – this is not a ‘real communication with animals, for some more information about this I would recommend the interviews that start here) that she would have liked to have little kittens but where is decided for her to get sterilized. Which in this situation (she lived as a cat from the street in Egypt and came via a shelterhouse to my house) and in this time where we live, is the best to do. However, these decisions are made without including the animals in it. Which I still felt sad about and I took responsibility for this experience of ‘guilt’ through apologizing as a human being, as asking forgiveness for humanity as a whole in who we are at the moment with regards to animals. This gave great release from the experience of guilt, within taking responsibility as a human being, for something that I did not directly do myself to her but the ‘species’ I belong to does within a world that we have all acccepted and allowed to exist within separation from life and so, I am responsible as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my reproduction-system and ability to reproduce, related to the sex-system and love-system and within this, making myself myself inferior to ‘life’ as myself as life, within a separation of myself in an accepted and allowed belief in the self-created reality of the ‘love-system’ and the sex and reproduction that is connected within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unable to see and live myself as an individual and satisfied living being without ‘being related’ to a child and/or partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a failure if and when I do not succeed to maintain a pregnancy and/or intimate relationship, as if this are the only two ‘purposes’ in life to fulfill.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to on a deep level, tend to compromise myself for within my fertile years, an attempt in trying to get pregnant and during and after this, an attempt in trying to get or maintain a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the new and open area of giving myself and living a purpose within, as and for myself, that is not related to pregnancy/motherhood or a personal intimate relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it quite rediculous that I have accepted and allowed and accept and allow, so much distraction within and as myself by moving into and living out the love, sex and reproduction system, where in I at the same time see, realize and understand that within and embracing myself of who I am within this, I will be able to forgive, correct and change myself and the relationship with myself in this as a fundament for relationships with others and from here, ‘breathing life’ into myself and redefining love, sex and reproduction towards supportive area’s for myself and others as what is best for life as a whole, as an area to live, learn, grow and expand as individual and responsible living beings.
I notice that the left-bottom side of my large intestine is giving signals now of ‘pain’ or crampings, that is already here for minutes but that I at first did not bring into my awareness, so much am I used to this coming and going of these cramping pains and en emotion related to this that I have not yet defined and forgiven, however it releases a bit when now noticing and mentioning it.
Some words that come up: inferior, diminishing, unworthy, not allowed, accepted limitations, shut down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down and stop expanding myself after an attempt of fulfilling a pregnancy or relationship and so, making this area the ‘only way or possibility’ to expand within and as myself and here limiting myself in my individual grow and making myself dependent on the will and responsibility of another to grow and expand within a relationship and so,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my will to grow and expand, dependent on the will to grow and expand of (the presence of) a partner.
The overall word here: dependency
Which is something to bring back to myself as in self-dependency in and as the will to live and to stop the mind-dependency in and as the polarity of the energy-generation (as in for example the system of love, sex and reproduction).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself in an experience of missing and distracting myself within this, where in I see, realize and understand how I create this experience within and as myself, through accepting and allowing a ‘building of relationships’ on the (unconscious) starting-point of the ‘love and sex-system’ and in the hope and expectation of the ability to transform this into an absolute unconditional relationship and sharing, where in the real missing is the missing of an absolute unconditional relationship with another human being, that I have channeled into the sharing of myself within the physical intimicy within ‘love and sex’ or ‘love as sex’ within a partner-relationship and so creating a dependency on each other on short-term, within and as the belief/fear and so judgement, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time’ in walking towards the individual starting-point of self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and so judge, that ‘no one is willing to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge myself in my own will and ability to stand the test of time in walking towards an individual starting-point of self-responsibility without another human being as a partner and from here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge a partner for leaving me and so, taking away the ‘free will’ of another in making their own decision in what to walk and how to do this towards a point of self-responsibility, as I restrict this to ‘staying with me’ as the only or ‘best’ way and so, becoming ‘forcing’ in this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fail’ by going into reacting from a starting-point of ‘fear of loss’ and here, start ‘forcing another’ who is picking up and reacting to this ‘force’ and then ‘going away’ and so I am ‘loosing the connection’ that I initially feared to loose and that I now co-created myself in reality.
From here I then go into an experience of guilt and finding as if I ‘failed’ and that ‘it is my fault’ that another goes in which I enlarge the ‘fear of making mistakes’ within myself where in I then enlarge the pressure within myself and reflecting this towards others as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all I am able to do, is taking responsibility for myself in this as how I here, bring a reaction back to self and realizing that if my reaction is causing another to stay or go, that this has to do with what is already going on inside themself that I have triggered with my reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost petrify myself within a fear of making a mistake and then causing another lo leave (me), up to the point where I cannot bear the pressure anymore of my own petrification and so, suddenly ‘lash out’ in a reaction with the result of that what I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the rsult of my own reaction as if it is all my responsibility and within this, trying to take ‘responsibility for two’ out of a fear that another is not willing or yet able to do this by/for themself and so walking away whenever I may react or make a mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘staying with me’ or ‘staying with you’ above ‘taking responsibility for and as ourself’ and so, walk from a turned around starting-point which in itself, is doomed to explode and ‘break up’ because the foundation to build on and from, is not yet stable and constant in and as what is best for a life in and as self-responsibility.
And here, an experience of ‘being abandoned’ is created as being abandoned from a (soul?)-connection that is still origined from or connected to a belief or idea within and as the love-/sex-system as ‘being together for always no matter what’ and a fear of standing alone, so actually being abandoned from a continuation of an energy-experience.
To be continued.
This blog does in no way contain a medical advise. With unclarity about a condition – physically or mentally – always contact a practioner/specialist/doctor in the related area to get the support you need and from here, see how you can additionally walk your own process to get to know and support yourself in relation to your own body and mind.